TO THE CLASS
THIS IS YOUR SCHOOL
FOR THE HOOLIGANS OF NOTTS COUNTY AWAY THANKS FOR THE MEMORY.
FOR THE SCHOOL DISCO SNOGS OH HAPPY DAYS
NOT FORGETTING THE NITWITS AND NINCOMPOOPS
I STILL HATE SCHOOL
Once upon a very long time ago in a school far far away an English teacher could not speak, which is very probably why he became an English teacher. You see in Glossop things are not always what they seem. Which is why at this particular school the Biology teacher used to pretend he was teaching art, and the art teacher thought he was a bell.
With this in mind school became somewhat of a drudgery which of course led to appearances becoming sporadic to say the least.But at least it did have some moments of light relief when a pupil decided to do a Vulcan death grip on a very miniscule French teacher. Yes M.A you know who I mean.
This was a place where Maths was never taught, and one could plainly see why, those who do not wish to learn go sit at the back and be quiet. Or sit at the front and do nothing or sit where you want and do even less. If one could think of a collective noun for a group of maths teachers then it surely must be a povey. But then again it could be the singular for nincompoop.
Woodwork especially triple woodwork on a Wednesday afternoon what an utter waste of time. Well it soon became very apparent that other things were on the agenda like losing my apple, or was it pomegranite oops silly me cherry. Oh yes many a merry afternoon were spent atop of Castle Hill over looking Bankswood with an energetic young harlot from the class of 75. But then again what do you expect when the woodwork teacher thought he was a big band leader.
Metal work probably an even bigger waste of time and metal, bur a regular supply of Capstan full strenght for the smokers were always to be found on the desk of the non existant teacher, maybe he was a fiddler in a musical entourage.
Then of course there was Technical drawing, wow what a waste of three dimensions, if you do not believe me go ask Patch.
Some other oddities that spring to mind a brown drama teacher now that was eerie. Another antiquated and rather prosaic connundrum was draught excluders in the shape of a snake. This time the colour green comes to mind just what the hell was the point.
Still when the Geography teacher can point to where Arizona is on a map and yet never find her classroom it tells a lot about the educational aspects of those oh so happy days, but then again when she did attend her lessons she generally sat at the front staring into space and thinking clouds. Cannot remember her name but that is very probably because she did not know it herself.
Going back to English I was once given lines for inadvertantly not attending, well dear Harry I did not finish your lines and I most certainly did not attend all my English lessons. I must attend all my English lessons, oh yes and who says so.
For pete's sake jones now what was his reason for being there. Maybe religious education, or, or hmm will have to think about that one. The music teacher had very long hair and was far to large to teach anything resembling music, so it seemed that he never bothered.
Now we get to the Management. A horse drawn cart a landau a derranged russel terrier and someone from oldham what a bag of fruit bats one of them once tried to gave me the cane but it did not work because i took it out of his hand placed it on the table in front of him and walked out. I can still hear him even today shouting come back here young man there was another one a woman who always gave the appearance of being somewhere other than where she was at entirely different times of the day mainly at school holidays, well that was the only time you would find her in school.
Well you may have purloined my youth but you never got my soul and brain.
But there is one more thing, I hated school oh yes indeed hated every minute of it even primary school where I first learned the art of escape and evasion. There are songs about school but which is my favourite.
Schools out forever schools been blown to pieces. SCHOOLS OUT ALICE COOPER
Hey teacher leave those kids alone we dont need no education. PINK FLOYD ANOTHER BRICK IN THE WALL
You can miss out school why go to learn the words of fools ITCHY COO PARK SMALL FACES
WHICH IS YOUR FAVOURITE
The Biology teacher did not teach art
The art teacher was not a bell
An english teacher could not speak
The Fiddler taught metal work (sometimes)
Music was not taught during woodwork
The French teacher was not small
The collective noun for a group of maths teachers is a Povey
Russel was not a derranged terrier
Landau was not a horse drawn carriage
The music teacher was to large and his hair to long
The geography teacher was a mute (well i never heard her talk)
Technical drawing was a waste of 3 dimensions (just ask Patch)
A slab taught chemistry, at least it thought it did
The school band was poo poo
And the football team plop